One year ago today, we were in a very different place.

Children’s Hospital.

My husband and I were on no sleep.  And just waiting. Stephen was undergoing the 1st of his open heart surgeries.

The day before, we had found out that he had a congenital heart defect and the doctors whisked him from my arms into the NICU.  One minute, he was doing the things a 2 week old does.  The next, he was hooked up to countless tubes and wires and medicated into sleep.  I will never forget the moment I first laid eyes on him like that.  It truly took my breath away.  We could barely look at him.  It was just so unreal.  We were so afraid.  He was so small.  Even looking at the pictures now is difficult.  Doctors and surgeons kept introducing themselves and explaining things to us.  I barely remember them at all.  And yet, Stevie’s life depended on them.

And our lives depended on his survival.

As his mother, I wondered why I didn’t know something was wrong.  Where was my motherly instinct?  How could something so major go unnoticed?  Not that it mattered anymore.  All that mattered was that we figured out the problem before it was too late.  And now we had the opportunity to fix it and let our son live his life.

We felt a huge weight off of our shoulders when the surgeon came in and told us that the surgery had been a success.  And a huge pit in our stomachs when he told us that the baby had gone into cardiac arrest and would need to be taken back to the OR.  The darkness that overcame me at that point was indescribable.  I would never wish that feeling on anyone.  Nor do I ever want to feel that way again.  I felt like his luck had run out.  I kept imagining the worst.  Thank God the surgeons were on their game. They were experienced and knew what to do.  The incomparable Dr. Wells came in two hours later and told us they had figured out the problem.  They had saved his life.

Again.

We couldn’t wait to see Stevie!  It would be several days before we could even hold him, but being by his bedside was all that mattered.  I remember he would do little things, like suck on his bottom lip – and that was a huge relief for me.  These little signs of life.  Oh, they were everything!  And when he started waking up more and fighting with the nurses, well, we just knew this feisty little turd would be back in action in no time at all.

For the anniversary of that day, we had to celebrate.  Celebrate that Stephen survived all the things his little champion heart had been through.  We wanted to take him somewhere special.  Can you think of any place better?

I am so grateful we made it through this year.  To see Stevie grow and progress is even more sweet now, when we imagine what could have been.  It hasn’t been easy.  But we feel so blessed.  In so many ways.  This has kept us humble and has been a huge learning experience.  We are eternally thankful to all the people who have contributed in any way – big or small – to his life, and our lives.  We couldn’t have done it without them.  And every single person holds a special place in my heart.  Even if I don’t remember their names.