Well yesterday was pretty shitty – to put it lightly.

About a week and 1/2 ago, hubs and I found out we were pregnant! I took 2 at-home pregnancy tests 5 days apart and they were both positive. We were of course super excited, nervous, anxious…excited. All the feelings that go along with a possible pregnancy. While we kept the news close to the vest in case it didn’t work out, we started making some pretty big plans. And talking quite casually about “When the baby gets here…” I set a doctor’s appointment for next week to get a prenatal exam and every day that went by, we felt so lucky and blessed that after 20 months of trying, it was finally happening.

Paul’s birthday was on Wednesday and that was the day that I started feeling like something was going wrong. I had some spotting in the late afternoon and emailed my doctor right away. She told me to go to the Urgent Care in the morning to see an OB and make sure everything was OK. I didn’t want to worry Paul – especially on his big 30th birthday – but by 6:30 in the evening, I was a complete mess. I was crying and freaking out, knowing something bad was going to happen. Even the few little pregnancy symptoms I had at one point, I was no longer feeling. He rushed home from work and comforted me all night. We read our pregnancy books and kept trying to guess what might happen. We slept about 5 hours that night and by the time morning rolled around, the bleeding was a little bit heavier and I was having some cramping in the abdomen. I tried to remain calm, but it really didn’t work. I just kept suddenly breaking into tears and wanting so badly for this little fetus to hang in there.

At around 7:30am, we arrived at UCLA to try and get in with the OB. They don’t open until 8. So we sat around, waiting and worrying. Finally, they opened and told me they had nothing available today and that I should just go to the emergency room. More tears. But we headed over there and luckily it wasn’t too busy. They were able to get me checked in pretty quickly and take down all my symptoms. It didn’t seem like a miscarriage, since I wasn’t bleeding heavily or having seriously painful cramps or vomiting. So they decided to run some tests and see what was going on. After much prodding and poking around, we waited and waited for someone to come in with an answer. About 2 hours later, the doctor sat down and told us that the urine test they took showed up negative.

I am not pregnant.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. He said that he didn’t doubt that at some point I WAS pregnant, especially with the 2 positive tests I took, but the fetus probably just passed through and that was no longer the case. The ultrasound didn’t show anything either. Yes, it was a little early to really tell from an ultrasound – we’re guessing I might have been 5 weeks along, if that – but still there was nothing else to indicate that I was still pregnant. I nodded in shock, and as soon as he left the room, I sobbed for a good 15 minutes. Seriously heart-breaking.

How could I be so attached to something I barely had? I had only known I was pregnant for about 8 days. And I probably wasn’t even pregnant THAT long. We don’t know at what point the fetus didn’t make it. Hubs stayed by me the whole day and kept telling me it was OK. He was disappointed too and was so convinced that even with the bleeding, I’d go on to have a baby in 8 more months. I have been so sad and feel like a part of me is missing the last 2 days. But I know these things happen for a reason. I just can’t help but feel that its so unfair. And what did I do to deserve this? What did I do wrong during the pregnancy to cause this? Did I eat too much? Did I not eat enough? Did I get too hot outside in the sun? Did I stop drinking caffeine too late? Did I need to exercise more?

I know its not about any of that, its just hard NOT to think it when you are so confused and upset. I am still breaking into tears for no apparent reason – even as I write this I have to sob once in awhile. And as I sit here waiting for the cable guy, its so surreal that any of this happened. And that life really does go on when you feel like world around you should stop for a second and give you time to get over this. But I know the sadness will pass. And that another pregnancy will happen when its supposed to. And surprisingly, there IS some comfort in knowing that I was pregnant for 5 minutes. It CAN happen. And hopefully it will again. Soon.