How many times can I play this game of catching up on the blog? As of late, I feel little urges to get back to writing. But it seems that every time I sit down and try to put my thoughts into words or my fingers to the familiar click-clack of the keyboard, my brain freezes up. A fear of “I have nothing important to say” washes over me. My words get jumbled, and I quickly abandon any ideas that may have seemed good in passing.

I can’t honestly say where the fear is coming from, but it’s been a very real contributor to my writer’s block. Writing has always come naturally, so this is new territory. But doesn’t a year seem like WAY TOO LONG to have writer’s block?? I have it nonetheless. And I know the only way to improve is to write more, but it just seems easier to pass on the whole thing all together.

I don’t really miss editing photos. Or spending the evening hours ignoring my husband while I scramble to post something. The feeling of being consumed with creating content. Or the millions of times I proofread. But I do miss the journal aspect of keeping a blog. I miss it very much, in fact. When I read old posts, I feel pride — not only for keeping up with our lives and documenting the exciting and mundane alike — but also for recording Stevie’s challenges and accomplishments. He has come so far, and I just know we’re not done yet.

As you may have seen, we recently got a diagnosis for the kid. While I found it a little disheartening to not be given more solid answers, I am also trying to look at it as an opportunity. Maybe I’m not the one getting the answers, but I can be the one giving the answers. Share what we’ve learned so far, however little it may feel like some days. I hope I can help other people who may be just starting out on this journey?

Granted, there are very few of us in the world of this particular genetic diagnosis. But the few that we’ve connected with on Facebook have so many interesting similarities. We found a boy who is about 16 and obsessed with Hot Wheels and cars. I know! He even kind of looks like Stevie. From a single photo of this boy, who is a total stranger, I felt my heart swell. Thoughts of, “Well, that’s not so bad. In fact, it’s really awesome. What am I so afraid of? I love this kid!” all crossed through my brain. And I know people will be reacting that way to Stevie for the rest of his life too.

The tears still come pretty easily when I to think of his future. All the unknowns and how he might be treated by people who misunderstand him is a scary thing! The idea of him not being accepted always bring a heaviness to my soul. We know we can only cross that bridge when we get there. Thankfully the people who know his heart and know our family have only been kind and embracing. If he has that support system outside the realm of the real, cruel world, then we can continue to build him up. And to be honest, I’ll need everyone’s help there! Most days my patience runs thin with his lack of independence and so many needs and demands… but I think that’s just parenting. With the little added twist of global delays.

While there has always been a very true and real uncertainty surrounding Stevie and his condition, the one thing I am sure of is that he will always be loved. He is such a dang charmer! And for that, I am so grateful.

Gosh, we have done so much this year. I don’t know if I should bother catching you all up, or just start over from here. I don’t even know if I dare call this a blogger comeback. Writing one time hardly qualifies as overcoming writer’s block! Haha. So one day at a time I guess. I’ll just post something if it feels right. But I hope to see some familiar faces around here as I navigate through it, if anyone even reads blogs anymore. I know I don’t!

All that being said, it feels good to be typing away right now. It’s been so long since I’ve felt the bitter sweetness of crying into my laptop. And I hope to use it as a therapeutic and creative outlet more often. However long this feeling and the urge to write lasts. I will be here for it.

loves,
jaana