This morning, I was venting to Paul about how difficult Stevie has been the last little while.

He scoffed and said “You mean the last 6 and 1/2  years??”

And of course we do have to have a sense of humor about it.  It is laughable to try and pinpoint when difficult phases begin and end with Stevie.  He’s just never been an easy kid in any sense of the word.

But I think it feels a little… extra right now.  Because as he gets older, we obviously have more expectations of him.  But his capabilities can’t keep up with our expectations.

The shoe saga

I know I’ve talked a lot about his shoes lately, but it’s a big, annoying deal in our house.  He just can not put them on by himself.  And if he’s in a mood where he’s at least willing to try — and doesn’t succeed in 0.5 seconds — it’s a meltdown.  We’ve been through this before.  With everything he’s tried to learn.  This one is really taking it’s sweet time to kick in for him.

I recently even went as far as to buy him Crocs and he LOVES the shoes.  They light up, they have cars on them, what’s not to love!  Plus they fit him a little big, so they should just slip on and off very easily.  But there’s that easy word again.  It doesn’t apply to Stevie.  No matter how many times or ways I try and show/explain it to him, it’s not clicking.  “I can’t”  has become his most used phrase and it drives me bonkers.

The upside is that he has learned to ask for help instead of screaming at me.  But even with that, there comes problems.  Because now he asks for help with every tiny little thing, instead of doing it himself.  So, every now and then I have to look at him and say no.

No, I’m not going to help you.  Try and figure it out.

But he would rather not do it at all than to try, so many things get left on the back burner.

Another day, another tantrum

Yesterday, after I picked Stevie up from school, he started asking for help with everything right away.  Help me put on my backpack, take off my backpack, help with my shoes, socks, water bottle, iPad, bathroom, etc. etc. etc.  The usual.

By the time we left for swim class, 15 minutes later, I was already feeling pretty irritated with him.  I started driving and the requests didn’t let up.  When he asked for help taking off his damn shoes again, I snapped back.

I CAN’T HELP YOU RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I’M DRIVING.  BUT EVEN IF I WASN’T DRIVING, I WOULDN’T HELP YOU.  THE SHOES ARE SO EASY TO TAKE OFF, IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY.  LOOK AT WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND TRYYYYYYYY.

He screamed at me and left them on.  The rest of the day was more of the same.  He was helpless and I was short with him.

Taking pause

On our way home, we got stuck in terrible traffic.  The car didn’t move for at least 10 minutes.  So we sat and waited and guess what — Stevie wanted help getting his shoes off.  This time I just ignored him.  He tried getting them off for about a second and when he couldn’t, he burst into tears.  Like the biggest crocodile tears you’ve ever seen.  His glasses got dirty, his nose was running, he just broke down.  When I told him (in my sweetest salty voice) to just try again, he shouted “Leave me alone!!!”

My insides started burning up.  Honestly.  Like is he effing serious right now!  They’re just shoes!!!!  If I could reach this child in the backseat oooooh!!!!

But before I flipped on him, I paused — which is something I don’t often do.  And I thought you know what?  This has been a day.  He’s probably tired from school and life and expectations.  And I’ve been snippy with him all afternoon. Sometimes he just can’t help it.  And now he’s just done and I’m done and we’re both done.

So I let him cry a little and then had him clean up his face.  I told him I understood he felt like he needed help, but mommy has to make sure he keeps trying and doesn’t give up.  He said okay, though I don’t know how much he understands.  And he said “I want to give you a big hug when we get home, so that you’ll be happy with me.”

Well shit if that isn’t a stab to the heart right??

So we did indeed hug as soon as we got home.

We’re in it together

I’m not here to tell you that we need to cherish the little moments or we need to be patient all the time or that motherhood is the best hood, because none of that is realistic for every second of the day.  Kids are freakin’ hard.  And it’s easy to get frustrated with them and feel the weight of the daily demands.  It’s like god damn Groundhog’s Day up in this bitch and it sucks sometimes.

BUT if you have a second where you CAN pause and you DO? Well then just pat yourself on the back.  Because I sure did.  I told Paul that I was proud of myself for not losing it.  Just keep those expectations low and it’ll feel like a really big deal when you accomplish them.

Like, hello?  I didn’t yell for once and now I’m basically a saint, right?!

It doesn’t fix much, and it doesn’t make the challenges easier in any way, but maybe it sends a message that I have not given up on him.  That even when things are hard, I might not be able to fix it, but I’ll try my best to support him along the way.  Even when I don’t feel like it.

Trust me, Stevie.  As a parent, I think I can’t either.  Like every single day.  But we just have to try.  We’re in it together.