Technically, it will be a month on the 16th.  But it’s been 4 weeks.  4 Saturdays since Luke’s passing.  Some days are still hard.  I didn’t have Luke in my life on a daily basis, but knowing how much his parents miss him… oh, it makes my stomach hurt.  All day yesterday I was very anxious and just kind of remembering. Little moments stand out in my mind.  But none more vivid than when my 3 brothers carried Luke’s casket to the car. And we all had to say our final good-byes.  You would think there’d be a sense of closure when you witness the finality of that moment.  But I’m not sure I have felt it yet.

At Luke’s funeral, I got up and tried to say a few words.  I mean, it was mostly gibberish.  I had no idea what to say or what I was trying to get across.  But I simply wanted to share a memory. And that was of Luke’s visit this past summer.  I had invited him to come visit a few times and when we had a family reunion in Redondo Beach, I thought there would be no better time.  His parents couldn’t make it, but we decided we all wanted to spend some time with Luke and get to know him better.  So we flew him out here and really showed him a week of the Southern California experience.  Sun, city, aquarium, Disneyland, beach… we crammed it all into 5 days.  And as soon as Luke stepped off the plane, well, I knew I was in for it.  This kid was smart.  Like, a little too smart for a 13 year old.  Before we had even made it to the car, he had already corrected my grammar twice.  I laughed it off, but it made me very conscious that he was going to keep me on my toes that week!  I haven’t been so nervous around a teenager since I was one.

Anyway, we had a fun week.  He was a typical teenager.  Liked to stay up late, woke up grumpy in the mornings, wanted soda for breakfast, enjoyed listening to his music, was tickled when a bird pooped on me. And it didn’t happen often, but there were a few glimpses I caught of him just being a kid.  Which I relished in. And still do when I think about him.  At Disneyland, when he rode the rocket ships, I stayed on the ground with Stevie so I could take pictures.  He waved to me and as the rocket whizzed by, I could hear him screaming and shouting “WOO!!  YES!! AWESOME!!”  He had his arms up in the air and the biggest smile on his face.  I thought “Mission accomplished.  This kid is having fun.”

The other moment that stands out in my mind was at the beach.  He was digging in the dirt and running on the shore.  And I was having a great time on my own, body surfing and hanging with everyone.  When I looked up, I noticed Luke had found a big pile of seaweed. I cringed and thought, “I should probably tell him not to play with that.” But before I could say anything, he had it tossed around his neck like a big, fluffy feather boa and was strutting across the sand.  I chuckled to myself and was just happy to see him enjoying the moment.

Luke was a sweet and caring person.  And it still baffles me why he chose this path.  I can’t help but wonder if he understood what kind of sadness his death would bring to everyone around him?  Maybe he wouldn’t have taken his own life.  I don’t think he would intentionally hurt the people he loved.  Especially his dear parents.

Luke, they just miss you so damn much.  It’s not fair to only leave us with the memories.  There were supposed to be many more to come.  Love you anyway kid.  Always will.