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I think about blogging every day. I really do. But lately, as I sit with my morning coffee and try to think of relevant topics to write about, I straight-up Draw. A. Blank.

You know the blog has always been like my therapy. As I have struggled navigating parenthood, and comparing myself to other moms, and feeling lost with my life’s direction, it’s always been a place to put down and organize my thoughts. Hopefully make someone laugh in the process.

The whole reason I started it almost 9 years ago was to have a creative space. Then it morphed because I simply couldn’t relate to anyone on the internet – from the high heel moms to the perfect kids to the styled-no-drama-authentic-everything – and I always felt like I was doing life wrong. I wanted a space for some honesty. Where I wouldn’t feel like such a failure. They say comparison is the thief of joy and I had to learn that the hard way. I really try not do that anymore. I understand how the blog world works now. But it did take some time and I still have to remind myself that it’s all highlight reels we’re looking at. Even my stuff is!

I will tell you the last blowup we I had was over a fork. A god-damn fork. This story certainly didn’t make it into my highlight reel.  Stevie wouldn’t hold the stupid thing right. He was making a mess. He wasn’t TRYING. And it made me so angry. He’s 5! He should be able to feed himself by now! WHAT IS HE DOING! What more can I do?! I felt like throwing something. But instead, I screamed at him and watched his eyes fill up with tears. And the worst part was this: I didn’t even feel bad. My empathy was gone. All used up. I felt more sorry for myself, which is totally selfish and unfair. But even above being a mom, I am still a human being, and sometimes I do wish things were a little easier for ME. Well, obviously for him too. But in that moment, I simply didn’t want to deal with it. WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEEEEE.

That fiasco was a couple weeks ago. And since then, things have been up and down, as they so often are. But I haven’t lost my shit. I haven’t yelled at him. I’m giving it all I’ve got, I tell ya. Which leaves me drained in many other areas of life.

Today, while I certainly don’t like the fact that I have this creative block, I do like the fact that I’m using my energy toward other things. Photography (something I actually get paid to do.) Exercising (which I hate, but absolutely need.) Keeping up with and decorating the house somewhat (vintage shops for the win.) And most importantly, practicing patience with Stevie (it takes everything in my being to just get through some days, let alone write about it all!)  Hopefully I’ll find more balance some day.

Isn’t it weird when you take a moment to realize you STILL have no idea what you’re doing after all this time and self reflection and work?? I guess we don’t ever necessarily have it all figured out, but it’s that ebb and flow. Ride the highs and get through the lows.

ANYWAY, I don’t know where all this is going.  I’m not saying I’m on hiatus from the blog or anything like that. I’m not going anywhere.  Today I just felt like writing and that was nice. (And then you get these posts where maybe I reveal too much and surely you think less of me. But it feels good to get it off my chest!)  I just don’t want to force it or feel pressured to write just for the sake of it.  And that could very well change tomorrow!  Who knows.

On that note, ramblings aside, I finally get to the point!

Around here lately:

Stevie doesn’t take naps anymore. Like ever. I dreaded this day for so long, and it makes for some long afternoons. But we are getting through it.

He lost a bottom tooth. Looking more and more like a jack-o-lantern. And as far as I know, it fell out on it’s own, not because he bashed his face on something. Clumsiest person alive.

He’s been working on pronounciation and talking in full sentences so well. I can’t help but laugh when he tells me things like “I want to eat a hot dog for lunch and then run around this place!!” Haha. OK! Do it!

We are working so hard on Stevie’s patience too – weird it runs in the family – and he is successfully waiting 1-minute with a timer for me to jump on his many, many requests through the day.

The backyard is seriously becoming such a happy space for me (us) to be.

I cut my hair! And I already know a pixie cut is next. Again.

Stevie’s swim classes are going great! No sarcasm. For real!

Paul and I have had a couple really fun date nights this last month and are taking a trip soon!

Work.  Loving work as much as I can.

Museums.

And of course so much good TV right now.  That’s it for us! Thanks for checking in.