I’m sure all first-time parents do this to some extent.  We have these expectations, and these rules, and this big list of nevers.  When I’m a mom, I’ll never say this.  When I’m a dad, I’ll never do that.  When I’m a parent, I’ll be the best.  I did it.  A lot.  I’d look at other parents and just think “nope.”  Obviously, when you actually become a parent, many things change. I sometimes don’t even recognize myself. Expectations were probably the first to go.

When you realize that you’re dealing with a tiny human terrorist who is drunk on power and basically seems out of their mind, you do what you gotta do.

Expectation #1: Organic diet starts as soon as I get pregnant.
Reality: Cheetos have vegetable oil.  Which must be made from vegetables.  Who am I to judge if they’re organic or not?

Expectation #2: No pacifiers after the age of 1.
Reality: I’d give him 10 pacifiers to this day if it made him sleep.

Expectation #3: My kid will have very few toys and a clean, organized play space.
Reality: Well, he liked this toy in the store!  Then never touched it again.  The clean thing was just a joke.

Expectation #4: I will never let myself go.
Reality: I haven’t washed my hair in 8 days and the clothes I buy are as close to pajamas as I can get without actually wearing a nightie.

Expectation #5: Baby will be sleep trained by 6 months old and sleep in their own bed every night.
Reality: Finally gave up on sleep training at the age of 3.5 because that child has ideas of his own.

Expectation #6: No jumping on the furniture.
Reality: I beg him to jump on the couch to avoid an angry letter from the downstairs neighbor.

Expectation #7: I’ll never bribe my little with candy.
Reality: Oh yes I will!  What do you want? Lollipop? Chocolate? Fruit snacks?  Great!  At least fruit snacks have the word “fruit” in it.  And you will be quiet for 15 seconds!

Expectation #8: I will never yell at my child and we will have wonderful open, constructive  and positive communication.
Reality: Hahahahaha.  Ha. Ha. Ha.

Expectation #9: Limited TV and electronics.
Reality: Here!  PLEASE play with this iPad so I can answer one friggin email!

Expectation #10: I won’t use the excuse that he’s “just being a boy”.
Reality: But he kind of is.

Expectation #11: I will teach my child to respect people’s personal space.
Reality: Locked myself in the bathroom so I could be alone.

Expectation #12: This sweet baby deserves my undivided attention.
Reality: Hey, here is a big flight of stairs.  Why don’t you climb that so I can play on my iPhone.

Expectation #13: I won’t tolerate screaming in a public place.
Reality: I don’t know how to control that!  Other than the bribing with candy thing.  And sometimes that shit don’t work.

Expectation #14: I won’t be one of those moms who is always late and blaming her kid.
Reality: But I swear, he pooped right as we were walking out the door!

Expectation #15: No junk food.
Reality: No junk food… more than once a week.  Ok twice.  Or three times…?

Expectation #16: I won’t pressure my child to potty train.  He will do it when he’s good and ready.
Reality: I just changed 5 poopy diapers in one day.  Get your ass on that potty!  It starts TODAY.

Expectation #17: I’ll teach my kid everything he needs to know.  No need for preschool or summer school.
Reality: School is closed for 2 weeks?! Lord help me.

Expectation #18: My friends will still get my undivided attention when we hang out.
Reality: I don’t really even know what we are talking about, but I will smile and nod.

Expectation #19: I won’t be a paranoid parent.
Reality: But there is a BUMP on his LEG.

Expectation #20: I will always allow my child to express himself.
Reality: Please close your mouth for 2 seconds.  And stop bossing me around.  And also, don’t do that.

Expectation #21: Only uplifting and beautiful music to stimulate the wee one.
Reality: Fancy.  On repeat.  All day err day.

Expectation#22: I will love that kid unconditionally.
Reality: Just because I flipped you off behind your back doesn’t mean I don’t love you.  I DO love you. Unconditionally.  But I don’t have to like you right now.

And the list goes on and on.  So the only thing I can tell you about being a parent is to keep doing your best.  Don’t worry if everyone else seems better than you.  We all have our survival tactics.  And we really only see a small piece of the big picture.

If all else fails, you can look at me and say “At least I’m not THAT bad”.