Oh Gadoo.  You poor old sap.  You really had the life didn’t you? You had a blonde, funny BFF who loved you and snuggled you and fed you and generally enjoyed your company.  As her belly grew larger and larger, you had no idea what was in store.  You thought that protruding pillow was for your own use and comfort.  Then one day, it was gone and there was this wiggly little being in it’s place.  You were not allowed near the being.

Get out of the crib!
Get your butt away from his face!!
Don’t put your paws on him!

You learned quickly to keep your distance.  And you seemed more than happy to be as far away from the being as possible.  You were not too impressed with anything about him.  It became more and more difficult for you to get any kind of attention.  You were lucky to be looked at and snuggling was out of the question.

This being eventually turned into a little person.  A little person who liked to grab and yank and hit and chase.  Not the kind of attention you were hoping for.  But you’ve taught him a lesson a time or two, haven’t you?  I agree, he deserved it.

Now you have been ignored too much.  Deprived of everything you once loved about your blonde BFF.  It wasn’t on purpose.  She just has too much on her plate.  You are a needy breed and now you have learned to cry out for attention.

MEEEEOWWW I’m hungry.
MEEEEOWWW I’m lonely.
MEEEEOWWW I haven’t had water in 2 days.
But the kicker is when you need your box cleaned, you will just poop right on the floor instead.  Or you will leave a particularly smelly shit uncovered, until the whole house reeks and we have to investigate.

I paint a sad picture, don’t I?  But let’s not forget where you came from.  The streets, man.  Somebody found you living in the wheel well of a truck!  You’d never survive out there now.  You are too accustomed to a warm house and a big soft doggy pillow in our bed.  You don’t have to hunt mice, and that’s a good thing considering you can’t even help a sister out and kill a freakin spider once in awhile.

You do actually have it pretty good, but regardless, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to seek out attention by jumping on my face as soon as the little person goes to bed.  I’m sorry that you have to get chin scratches by rubbing your face against my phone when I’m busy Instagramming.  I’m sorry your only exercise is being chased by a toddler or running around the house like an idiot at 3am while we are trying to sleep. I’m sorry your very expensive premium cat food can’t be automatically dispensed whenever your heart desires. I’m sorry you drink out of a toilet. I’m sorry for shoo-ing you when your whiskers tickle my arm at night.  I’m sorry a child has taken over our lives.

But on the bright side, maybe one day he’ll be your new BFF?