Paul and I got the surprise of a lifetime last week with a positive pregnancy test!  There were tears and hugs and nerves.  I mean nerves is an understatement.  I was terrified.  We haven’t been trying, but we haven’t been trying not to either.  With Stevie being such a challenge, I am obviously very realistic about what I’m up against.  And very concerned about having another medically fragile child.  But, that being said, we never saw ourselves having just one kid.  A sibling for Stevie would be the ultimate.  So with a cautious excitement, we started making little plans.  Little baby plans.

And then just like that, it was over.

Eh, I had a chemical pregnancy.  I honestly didn’t even know what that was until we started trying for Stevie all those years ago.  I had never heard of it.  But now that we have these pregnancy tests that can detect if you’re pregnant like a month before your missed period, we are just much more aware of them.  And it sucks.  But it’s much easier on your emotions and your body than having a miscarriage later in pregnancy.

So it was 5am and the house was dark.  I woke from a sound sleep and immediately knew what was happening.  This is not my first rodeo.  It’s not something you can really prepare for.  And there’s nothing you can do to stop it.  So I curled up with a big cup of coffee and some bad TV and just let myself be sad as the dark progressed into light.  A lot of unwelcome feelings like guilt and anger and strangely even relief reared their ugly head all at once.  Stevie made his way to me and I enjoyed a little cuddle session with my loud morning talker.  And then we got on with our day.  We pretend those baby plans never were and start over.

It’s funny, when I found out I was pregnant, I started making a mental list of all the reasons why this was a good thing.  And when I wasn’t pregnant anymore, I did the same.  I guess it’s just human nature to rationalize and try to make the best of the situation.

And to be perfectly honest, I have a hard time talking about this stuff.  I’m really uncomfortable with it.  BUT, I know there are so many women who have experienced the same.  Sometimes over and over again.  So in the spirit of womanhood and misery loves company and all that stuff, I put it out on the internet.  (Oy).  But the one thing I learn over and over when faced with a parenting challenge is that we are not alone.

So if nothing else, here’s to camaraderie and sisterhood of the traveling pants and all that. We can do hard things!  And it’ll happen when it’s supposed to.  And timing is everything. And okay, I can have a drink tonight!  And all the other things you think at a time like this.  Yi-yi-yi!