I’m someone who has always enjoyed going to the movies, because… IDK American? The sights, the smells, the sounds, I love it all.  Even when the movie isn’t particularly good, and even as the ticket prices become more and more outrageous, I always seem to enjoy the overall experience.  And of course, the popcorn.

I think movie-going is generally something that parents like to do with their kids?  Is this true?  I knew taking Stevie to the movies wouldn’t be any ordinary experience, as this is not my first rodeo. But as usual I’m quite the optimist (for some unexplained reason) and decided to do it anyway.

Knowing that Stevie’s attention span is short, I left the house just a little late, hoping to miss some of the previews.  Then I’d only have to get him to sit still for 2 hours and 5 minutes.

And as always, my first line of defense was SNACKS.  So. Many. Snacks. Wonder where he gets that from.

Regular Popcorn.  Check.
Pretzel bites with cheese dip.  Check.
Giant bag of sour candy.  Check.
Waters.  Check.

We found our very comfy recliner seats (how much do we love those by the way!) and got settled in just in time for the new Pixar short “Bao”.  I had heard it was really cute, but as it started, I let out an audible groan when I realized I hadn’t taken into the account the extra 8 minutes Stevie would have to sit through.

But we made it, with help from the snacks, and then the opening credits began.  The Disney logo flashed across the screen and the music started playing over images of the castle before fading to black.  The show was about to begin!

Before Frozone and Elastigirl could even make their first appearances, Stevie (who is unable to whisper, by the way) announced:  The movie is over.  Yay! We can go now.

I sighed and explained the movie hasn’t started yet!  Remember, we will be here for awhile, so let’s just relax and try to enjoy it.

Before I could even finish my sentence, Stevie stated that he was full from the snacks — which is totally unprecedented!! — and within moments, he was pulling Hot Wheels out of my purse and lining them up on the seats next to us.  At least he was playing quietly and I could enjoy the movie!

But you probably already know that didn’t last long.  About 10 minutes later, he started standing up and wandering around the aisles.  I encouraged him to stay close by and maybe line up cars on other empty seats.  He insisted that the staircase was the best spot, at which point I coaxed him to sit on my lap.  That didn’t last long either.

I knew at this point it was a losing battle, so I asked him if he wanted to leave.  He seemed surprised and hesitated before answering “…yes”.  So we started gathering our belongings as he said (still unable to whisper, of course) Thanks so much for bringing me here mom.  Thanks for the movie.  Let’s get lunch now!

I rolled my eyes, but really, in the moment, I was fine with it.  I could have easily predicted it would go that way.  We got our money back and headed out the door.

But as we loaded into the car, my frustration started to  fester.  The more he talked, the more irritated I got. This wasn’t our first attempt and I wrinkled my nose thinking how can he not sit through a movie by now??  He can’t even stop talking for 30 seconds!  UGH!  He’s so annoying!!

And all of a sudden, in the 5 minutes it took to arrive at our next destination, my mind went all gangster on me and irrational fears took over.  From wondering whether he’d ever be able to enjoy something simple like a movie to wondering how we would get through another summer together to wondering what would happen to him as an adult and whether he’d have friends or a job or a life he enjoyed.

if you’d asked me a few days ago how things were, I would’ve told you we were in the calm before the storm. Things were fine for the time being.

But the storm is a-brewin’ folks.

The tears began to well and burn my eyes as I listened to him babble on and on about cars… and then.  Then, I got really, really sad.  Mostly for myself.  We all understand by now that Stevie doesn’t know any different, and obviously the movie didn’t mean anything to him.  But as his mom, it meant something to me.  I’m so desperate for a shared interest.  I long for those bonding moments.  It’s such a one-sided relationship with kids sometimes — where we give and give, and try to find common ground, but something is missing in return.  And frankly, my tank is on empty.

The rest of the day was a disaster, as I couldn’t seem to recover from my funk. And it carried into the long, seemingly impossible weekend. I cried so many times. But this morning, after a good night’s sleep, I sat at breakfast, drinking my coffee and eating my crappy protein bar, listening to Stevie blab about the same old thing.  And an overwhelming sense of gratitude washed over me.  Because no matter what we can’t do together, at least we ARE together.  Which, of course is the bottom line.

However, I think it’s still important to acknowledge that there are some seasons of parenting that are just this way.  They’re really hard.  Some seasons last much longer than you want them to.  Our expectations meet reality, clashing in a violent way.  I can’t explain why this particular event sent me spiraling, and I always beat myself up for feeling down and being annoyed. But I am also learning how important it is for me to allow these small grieving processes to take place.  There have been many of them along this road of special needs parenting and, at this point, if I’m not feeling challenged, am I even doing it right?

Do you even parent bro?

So tell me the truth.  How was Incredibles 2?  Do I need to go back and watch it alone?

loves,
jaana