Sewing has brought me a great deal of comfort these past couple weeks. I have been a big ol’ ball of nerves leading up to Stevie’s heart procedure tomorrow. And sewing has given me something methodical and time consuming to focus on so that my brain can steer clear of the dark and scary thoughts that have consumed me this time around.

I know it’s an awful way to think before someone goes into surgery, especially your own child. And I would love to keep things light and positive. Good thoughts only!

But the truth is I’m scared AF.

This kid is not exactly know for great, easy, successful surgeries and recoveries. About half of his procedures have had complications. Which I think is pretty good odds, seeing as the other half went perfectly! But it hasn’t brought me much comfort this time around for whatever reason.  I’ve seen more people go through loss over the years and it’s a hard realization knowing anything can happen.

I haven’t had much good sleep, turns out even the weighted blanket is no match for surgery woes. I’ve been really jumpy (just ask my husband any time he walks into a quiet room with me in it). My body physically hurts as I’m carrying around my worries in my joints.  And my shopping urges have come on STRONG. I’m glad I don’t have a racing heart or feel particularly anxious, but I definitely recognize it manifesting itself in other ways.

In times like this, I don’t quite know what to do with myself, so distraction has been of the utmost help getting through the days.

Last week I worked on a pair of shorts that didn’t quite turn out. I didn’t have a pattern, so I was making it up as I went along.  And I was really close! But I messed up the waistband more times than I could fix. And learned first hand why you never start a project on a Tuesday (old wives’ tale).  So those got scrapped for another time.

This week I tried my hand at a pattern. I certainly don’t use them often, but I’m so glad I gave this one a shot. I wanted to do it right, so it took several hours over a few days. Exactly what I needed. And luckily the blouse turned out so cute! I made it in the biggest size so it was nice and slouchy, and there are many other variations you can make with this same pattern, so I’m already anxious to get cracking on another one.  Maybe a striped linen?

As for tomorrow. We check in bright and early as always. Stevie will be in the cath lab for a few hours, in recovery for 6 hours, and we are expected to go home that night — as long as everything goes according to plan.

We have people from every religion praying for us (except Scientologists), monks chanting Stevie’s name, good vibes sent from every corner of the earth, and we honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. We are so lucky to have a support system that cares about our family so much.

And we’ll get through this. It feels like too much sometimes, and it’s a strange feeling to have people tell you over and over how strong you are… when deep down you really don’t feel strong at all.  But I know we will.  It’ll feel good to be on the other side.  And Stevie doesn’t quite understand, which is probably a lot easier on us.  He’s a tough little guy, I’ll tell ya.

For today I will clean the house a little, eat all the comfort food, maybe do a little online browsing, and weep if I need to. 

So that tomorrow I can put on my game face and be tough.  Like Stevie.

loves,
jaana