Stevie had an assessment last week for behavioral therapy.  This is something I should be excited about. We have wanted this for a long time.  It’s supposed to help him and help all of us as a family unit.  But when the assessment was over, a feeling a dread washed over me.  I did not feel happy about the direction things are going.  I felt frustrated.  Running on empty, knowing I have to continue giving from somewhere – just not sure where that’s going to come from.

Sometimes this happens after these assessments.  They can be a very true and clear reminder that your child is not anywhere near where he should be.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  Stevie will go at his own pace.  For the most part, I’ve made peace with that.  But once in awhile it’s a little slap in the face that puts you right in the moment, and makes you go oooooh.  riiiight.  he’s really not where he should be.  he hasn’t made progress in certain areas.  he’s going to be a challenge… indefinitely.  

All these down-in-the-dumps feelings are probably a combination of that and other recent events.  Yucky eye surgery, potty training battles, constant fighting.

Listen, I just want to put this out to the universe to see if I can get some slack here – I do not like fighting.  I am a lover!  I am not wired to fight with people.  Between Medi-Cal, Regional Center, pre-school, Doctor’s offices, etc – and let’s not forget little Stevie – I give so much energy to the fight.  UGH.  We can really take that down a notch, anytime.  I’m always on edge, and I don’t like it.  Then that poor lady at Universal Studios wonders why I am so mean to her when she tries to take the table I was waiting for.  Oh hellll noooo.

So right now, my goals for Stevie feel muddled.  I know that I don’t ever want to be a parent who puts completely unrealistic expectations on my child.  But I do want him to try.  I do want him to learn.  I do push him to work his hardest.  Because I have to.  I can’t look back and think of all the things I coulda shoulda woulda done and wonder if it might have helped.  We just have to do it all and hope that something will catch.  But along the way, of course I get the cherry on top of it all, always second guessing myself and always trying so hard to do the right thing while rarely feeling like I am.  Not sure whether to push or ease up.

Oy.

I’m exhausted.  And today I don’t want to do any of it.  So I’m going to that island in my mind.  Sayonara! Bon Voyage!  Arrivederci!  See you soon!  Maybe.