More kids.  Do we want more kids?  It’s the natural next step.  You date.  You get married.  You have a baby.
Then you have more babies.

If you had asked me a week ago, I’d have said “Hell-to-the-no.  Not gonna happen.”

If you asked me today, I’d say “I’ll take 10 of these delicious squishy-faced little bubbies”.

I’ve always pictured us having 2 or 3.  As the oldest of 5, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to be an only child.  And I would love for Stevie to have the experience of being an older brother.  My brothers and sister made my childhood what it was.  They were built-in friends & enemies. They taught me to have a sense of humor about things.  They are some of the few people in the world who see and know who I really am.  Inside and out.

Sometimes people ask me reluctantly if we’ll have more.  It’s a bit of sensitive subject, I suppose.  With all the craziness surrounding Stevie, I think people are a little bit scared to ask.  They want to be understanding if I say no.  And they want to be supportive if I say yes.  But I completely understand why they ask.  You guys all have permission to ask.

In recent Facebook and real life news, I have had about 15 girlfriends announce pregnancies or have babies in the last 2 months.  I know 4 people who are due in February alone!  Talk about love being in the air, right?  And I’m always, always thrilled for these incredible women.  But once in awhile things hit me in a funny way.  Once in awhile, I get a pang of jealousy.  Such a gross word.  I’m not the jealous type.  But the thing is, I’m not jealous that they are having more babies.  I’m jealous that they want to have more babies.  I wish I wanted another one.  And when I get the feeling that I don’t, it makes me incredibly sad.  It feels wrong to think that way.

I know I will get there eventually.  Now is just not the right time for us – or for Stevie.  It really wouldn’t be fair to him because he still needs so much.  But you know that patience thing that I struggle with?  Yeah, I even have a hard time being patient with myself getting to a point where I’m comfortable having another baby. <— That last sentence is the reason why my husband says “It must be exhausting to be in your head.”

But yes, I do still believe we will have more kids.  Once Stevie is a little more independent (read: walking) then we will start thinking about when we want to do that.  I just have to give us time to get there.  What if we never get there?  I don’t know.  I just have to have faith that we will get there.  That we will know the time is right.

No pressure. (Except that I’ll be 35 in approximately 532 days. And we all know what happens at 35.  SCARY, HIGH RISK PREGNANCIES!!)

Eh.  It’s always scary anyway.  Sometimes you just gotta go for it, I think.