CAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRS! (He can’t take credit for the arrangement, but he liked watching…)Stevie started a new behavioral therapy a few weeks back and – dare I say – I think it’s helping?  It’s mostly providing us with tools to learn how to handle him and his difficult outbursts.

And it seriously goes against every natural mothering instinct I have in my body.  As do most things with Stevie, I suppose.

If you know anything about ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) therapy, maybe you can relate.  Basically it comes down to the fact that every behavior is learned.  So when we respond to a behavior, he knows that. Over the years, we’ve essentially taught him how to get attention.  And we have come to find that most of Stevie’s naughty moments happen when he wants that attention. Whether it’s good or bad, it doesn’t matter. He wants it all.  And mind you, this kid gets a lot of attention.  A ton of attention.  Because he won’t have it any other way.

Let’s just put it this way: When I’m old and blonde (yes I will still be blonde) and I reflect back on my life, I will never have to wonder whether I spent enough time with my son.  I have.  Trust me.

Do I sit on the floor and watch him play cars for 3 hours?  Yup. Because I don’t want a meltdown.  Do I respond when he’s screaming at me for some stupid reason?  Yeah. Because I want to rationalize with him. Do I answer him every single time he asks why?  Pretty much.  Because I don’t want to stifle his questions.

But this approach clearly doesn’t work for Stevie.  What I’ve been doing only fuels his attention-seeking behaviors.  And in turn, burns me out quicker than a candle on a windy day.  The kid has no limits to how much attention he can get.  So it just escalates and escalates until I have nothing left to give.  Then we both end up frustrated.

So with ABA – the magic trick is…  ready??  Ignore him.

Ignore my kid?  But that’s so mean!!

Or is it?

It’s not like I can ignore him all day.  Or even ignore him for an hour.  But in small increments when he’s only acting up for attention, it’s ok.  He will need to learn that I’m only a human being, and not actually a robot who was put on this earth solely to bow down to his every whim.

Crazy thought, I know.

So when Stevie wants me to sit on the floor and play cars – yeah, I still do.  But instead of sitting there cursing my life for 3 hours, I will set a timer.  And we will play for 30 minutes.  And then, guess what buddy? Mommy needs to get other things done.  Even if it will only take 5 minutes – that’s when Stevie’s life is over. He still melts down, but instead of giving it any attention, I ignore it completely until he gets over it.  Some days it takes longer than others, but he’s learning to distract himself with cars or the iPad for a short amount of time.  And hopefully that short amount of time turns into longer amounts of time eventually.

When Stevie asks why x’s infinity, we learned that he doesn’t actually care about the answers.  He’s really just doing it because we keep talking to him.  Another way for him to get attention.  So instead of wanting to rip out my hair and finally yelling BECAUSE I SAID SO! – when he asks why, I answer the question once. And if he keeps asking why, I give him the same answer over and over.  And that’s that.  After about 2 days of this, he has already adjusted his behavior and now asks why only a handful times in a day versus 315,679,843 times a day.  I can start to give him real thoughtful answers and not just fill the space in our conversations with ridiculousness.

It’s not for lack of trying to break these bad habits in the past, but Stevie’s stamina has been unbeatable! No ordinary person can listen to a kid repeat the same request for 4 solid hours and not eventually give in or start yelling. It’s like Chinese water torture. And Stevie is the relentless drip, drip, drip, drip, drip… 

I think the hardest thing with ABA is to remember to do it all time.  As I mentioned, it goes against every natural mothering instinct I have, so I catch myself falling for his attention-seeking ways all the time.  I have to stop myself and go Oh wait, what is this accomplishing? It’s hard to be on all the time.  Or maybe off is the more appropriate word.  See?  I’m learning new behaviors too.

And if we ever make it to the day where I can do something, anything, for an hour, without endless demands or tantrums, I feel like life will be just a little easier for all parties involved.  And quite frankly, at this point, easier sounds just fine with me!