We have struggled with Stevie’s sleep patterns since day one. I mean, I know babies don’t sleep, but if you followed my blog all these years, you’ll know Stevie has been a rotten sleeper well past the newborn stage. An exhausting combination of health problems, restlessness and EVERY failed sleep-training method known to man, and here we are 4 years later with a big kid sleeping in our bed again. Every nap and every night.
We had gotten to the point where we were putting him to sleep in his own bed at 8pm and he would make his way to us in the middle of the night. No big deal. I didn’t mind that.
But then we went on vacation – and all shared the hotel bed. Dun-dun-DUUUUN!
It was over.
When we got back home, Stevie refused to sleep in his own bed. I kept our usual bedtime routine, and would lay with him for HOURS waiting for sleep to take over. When it finally did, he would wake as soon as I moved. Or within 20-30 minutes of leaving the room. Every time.
After already going through 3 sleepless years trying to get him to sleep through the night, I just don’t have it in me to keep fighting this issue with him. We have so many other things we’re working on during the daylight hours as it is! So we’ve given up in a sense. Or maybe just given ourselves a break. I certainly don’t think there’s anything wrong with co-sleeping, that was just something I never really wanted to do.
So now, here I lay at 3am, half asleep, half watching him flip and flip. Rotating him from sideways to pillow. Dodging his hobbit feet. Listening to him smack his lips and grind his teeth. Reapplying his essential oils, offering him some water, and finally asking if he wants to cuddle. Usually he declines, but tonight he says “yesh”. So he rolls himself into the nook. You know the one. That perfect cuddle spot partly on your chest and partly in your armpit? I rest my chin on the top of his head and his soft wavy hair tickles my face in the sweetest way.
And no matter how tired you are, there’s something about those moments where you think I need to cherish this.
Finally his body is still. His breath becomes heavy. And just like when he was a baby, and we are at our most comfortable, I realize I have to pee. GAH!
So the routine starts over again. And listen, as much as it softens me up to hold his big-little body, and feel his chest breathe, and sometimes bump butts in the middle of the night, I also want my bed back. I want my husband back. I want to spread out instead of tuck myself into a corner. Sleep more soundly with less interruptions. I know that’s asking a lot with any amount of children and I’m probably preaching to the choir here, but I just need a little space after spending these full, busy days attached at the hip. Don’t even get me started on that “WAKE UP MOM!” wake-up call. How about make me a cup of coffee first and then get all up in my face. Thanks.
I want to say I know it won’t last forever, but do we really know that?! Everyone will tell me, “you’ll miss this someday”. And I’m sure I will. A long time from now. I’ll miss this. I’ll miss him, just as he is.
Maybe.
Oh! Look at his little mouth though! 
Been there. My son was a terrible sleeper as an infant, and would only sleep on top of us. The moment we put him in his crib, he’d wake. And howl. At a year I gave in and brought him to our bed. He slept there happily until he was four. We bribed him with a loft bed, and somehow it worked. My daughter was little better. We started her in a co-sleeper, thinking we were being smart. She wanted no part of that sleeping-adjacent crap, apparently. Into our bed she went. Finally, about a month and a half ago, we bribed her with a pink princess bed. It worked. She is still in our bedroom, because the townhouse we rent only has two bedrooms, and I can’t put her in her 11-year-old brother’s room. I just can’t. So we have our own bed, but not our own room. No privacy. No… you get the idea. Anyway, it is possible to have similar issues even without sharing the specific problems Stevie has. I have no doubt that makes for a rougher go in so many ways. But I have still felt that pull between the love for my snuggling angel and the desire to actually be able to touch my husband in our bed. It’s so damned hard.
I sadly have no fix for my lack of third bedroom. If anyone has ideas – lottery win aside – let me know.
Hang in there!
Girl, you deserve a break! you sound like you have tried it all, and you are right…one day there will be bits you will miss, his smell as your head rests on his, etc, but you do need your own space, your own body to yourself and a full night’s sleep. I wish I had some magic pill to send to ya, but not having that, I send you mom-love and support from across the country!