Behind the blog scenes, I’ve been trying to work on my rough drafts throughout the week to have a post ready for publishing on Saturday or Sunday. But today, I had to start from scratch. I haven’t felt pulled to write publicly these past several days, even though I’ve been journaling regularly in private. One recurring theme in my journal has been about grace (for lack of a better buzz word) and why it’s so hard to extend even the smallest amount of it to myself. It’s honestly a recurring theme of my life — and not only with parenthood. Obviously the pandemic has shifted focus and certainly hasn’t made finding grace any easier. Every mistake or sad feeling is put under a microscope. On top of that, there’s very little reprieve to allow the time it takes to process or put negativity behind you.

I often wonder if the disappointment we have in ourselves comes into play because we are comparing. We don’t mean to, of course, but sometimes it just happens. You’d think a big poster hanging in my room reading Comparison is the Thief of Joy! would be a good reminder. But I think it’s still very true for me. Seeing what others have accomplished during this last year, where I have felt barely able to function, puts ideas in my head that I’m not doing enough. And I can’t even give myself a break and get the grace part right! LOL!

Paul snapped this photo of me the other day, and my first thought was ugghhhh, my life. But the more I look at it the more I appreciate it. It’s just a snapshot of a moment in time. A time when everything changed and a time when the lessons perhaps won’t come into full view until much, much later. It really feels like the most accurate depiction of my day-to-day existence that I’ve ever seen. The exhaustion, the neediness, the coping. All done for love, with a little side of resentment thrown in. From the outside-in, the grace is easier to offer to this woman lying there, her son using her head as an arm rest and her dog using her body as a pillow. She’s trying, she really is. And I hope you get a chance to see yourself in this way and appreciate how you have adapted to impossible circumstances.

Reading

Completely related: I really appreciated this article from the NYT and the many aspects of parenting that it touched on — our tempers, making quarantine “meaningful”, and the feeling of failure. Even though it’s not like new information and we’ve read a lot of similar articles throughout the year, I eat them up. To read similar experiences and see words in print that are otherwise hard to articulate? It feels so validating! There will always be someone who can see/understand your experience.

Wearing

A whole lotta this. As much as I like playing in my closet and enjoy getting ready for the day, giving myself permission to let all that go can sometimes be equally rewarding. This week Stevie had minimum days for school and I didn’t wear “real” clothes once. I love practical clothing as it is, but this week I dressed for pure practicality; to go from working out, to homeschool, to getting Stevie out of the house for our hikes. This just took one extra thing off my plate, so I wasn’t changing multiple times a day.

Unlearning

I am loving the Amend series on Netflix. The show is about the 14th Amendment and the fights we have had striving for true equality in this country. Incredibly eye-opening and emotional. I don’t know if it’d be emotional to most people, it’s educational-style. But there is something about this ongoing struggle that really hits me hard every time. I’m a little more than halfway through the series and feel like I keep learning new things and am reminded of important events in regards to civil rights. I honestly think it’s a must-watch if you have any interest in American history and the constitution.

Going

Ferndell Nature Trail just might be the most kid-friendly trail in the city. I can see why it’s a hot spot on mom lists. I probably would’ve brought younger Stevie here often. It’s flat and shaded with a little stream. Empty on a weekday after school, I imagine the weekends would be more crowded. There’s not a ton to look at, but it feels a little bit whimsical. A nice spot to let kids wander a bit. Just don’t mistake it for the Ferndell Trail that connects to the West Observatory Loop (across the street). That one is more of a hike-hike, and has beautiful views of the city. But you’ll want better shoes and more energy than needed for the little nature trail. We ended up walking the trail fairly quickly and then made our way through the hilly Los Feliz neighborhood for a bit more of a challenge.

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Shopping Addiction Tips

A couple weeks ago, I had promised to share some ideas for impulse control while shopping. When I was first starting out, I followed all the usual starter advice: unsubscribe to emails, delete saved credit card info, sleep on it, etc. etc. And those are all great ideas. I’m a firm believer that anything that will slow you down from the feeling of instant gratification is only going to help you make more intentional purchases. And sometimes it won’t be one single thing that keeps you on track, but a combination of several things. So once you’ve taken those starter steps, you can add in other practices.

One of the most helpful tools for me is to track, track, track. I track my wardrobe, meaning I keep tally of how often I wear my items. It helps me on so many levels, from appreciating how much I have to seeing room for improvement. Another important thing to track is my overall finances. Sometimes I get hung up on not buying clothes without realizing I’m spending money elsewhere. Seeing it all on paper (and triggering guilt of how much I’m spending) helps me slow down overall. I also like to keep a wish list. Sometimes that wish stays at the front of my mind and sometimes it fades away. But before I buy anything, I try to add it to my wish list first. Take my time from there to search for the best deal or option.

If you want a more comprehensive list of the tools I use or how my shopping addiction journey started, you can read more here.

Remembering

Our family trip to Chicansin, as coined by Stevie of course. Chicago + Wisconsin = Chicansin. Over the years it has become one of our favorite trips to take. Sometimes we add in Southern Missouri, to cover all the family bases too, but this time we stayed up north to enjoy a snowy week. And while I typically like and long for a new adventure, the familiarity and comfort of visiting somewhere over and over again kinda can’t be beat. We still have plenty to experience, we get to spend time with family, and also get to see how much Stevie has progressed over time. Our first trip to the area was difficult and exhausting and all I remember is chasing Stevie through the busy city streets, barely able to keep up. But do I dare say that last trip was… FUN??

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Eating

This dinner was the hit of the week. It was the first time I’ve ever prepared gnocchi that I really liked. In the past, I kept trying to make it like regular pasta — using tomato sauce or olive oil — but it just doesn’t work like regular pasta. This meal was tasty and creamy and ready in literally 10 minutes (my favorite kind of dinner!)

When I started this post I wasn’t sure I had anything to say — that escalated quickly! Haha. Going back to my thoughts on grace, is that something you offer yourself regularly? Or do you have to constantly remind yourself that it’s necessary?

loves,
jaana