I feel awful complaining again.  I really do.  But things have not been easy around here.

How it should be.

I don’t want sympathy.  The only thing I can hope to accomplish by writing this is that some of my 3 readers will be able to relate to what I’ve been going through.  Apparently I was in way over my head when I decided to jump into the whole parenting thing…

* Stephen humps the floor a lot. And it’s embarrassing.  It all started when he had roseola.  He got a little rash down there and I think he figured out this was the easiest way to scratch the itch.  But then he found a different form of enjoyment as well.  And there was no turning back.  Didn’t think I’d ever be having wiener discussions about my 16-month old.
* He grinds his teeth.  It is one of the most awful sounds you can imagine.  Nails-on-a-chalkboard awful.
* He gags himself.  This one freaks me out.  I have a pretty low tolerance for gagging.  It makes me feel like I’m going to barf when I watch him do this!
* He bangs his head against the wall.  This one did not surprise me, as my little brothers did it too  But huz hates it.
* He still has some eating issues.  We are figuring it out one meal at a time.
* He takes off his glasses.  All. The. Time.  I’m supposed to be patching his eye for 2 hours a day too, but that is a whole other issue.  It hasn’t happened in at least 2 weeks.
* He slaps us in the face really hard.  Not to be mean (I don’t think), but he just doesn’t realize how much it hurts!  He’s like YOU’RE MY MAMA *SMACK*!!!!  Nice.  Thank you for that.

Reading this list back, it seems a little silly things to get upset over them.  But I guess its been the build-up over time.  I feel like I’m trapped in a corner when we are battling every day and there’s no end in sight. No break from the frustration. My first instinct to break these weird little habits was to kindly remind him “No-no, my love” and surely he would stop that instant!

OK, not so much.

My “No-no’s” got more stern as the days and weeks went on.  Then I got downright irritated.  With the gagging issue, I went as far as to give his hand a pretty good slap.  But the more angry I got, the more frequently he did it.  Like, he became obsessive about doing it, until I was so frazzled I’d have to take a time out.  Before you know it, I’m crying, he’s crying, and it feels like the whole world is falling apart.

How it actually is.

I’m being told that he’s testing his boundaries.  Well he’s tested them to the max. Clearly he can see that he’s made me angry.  It’s more like he gets some enjoyment out of watching me lose my mind.  I swear to God.

I do feel like we have some communication issues.  At 16 months he still has not said Mama or Dada and doesn’t know how to communicate to get what he wants.  (Occupational Therapy is a possibility for the near future.)  We have been working on sign language for about 4 months and he knows what I’m saying, but can’t do the signs himself.  So I’m sure he is a little frustrated too.  And this is the stuff he can control.  He has figured out how to get our attention! But I tell ya, his only saving grace right now is that he is so damn cute,it gives me just enough strength to get through to the next challenge he throws my way.

I was very hesitant to blog about these things because nobody likes saying bad things about their children.  And all the other blogs I read talk about how magical it is being a mom and how much fun they have with their little ones.  It makes me really envious to not have the super sticky sweet bond with my son.  And honestly, it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong as a mother to be raising such a crazy kid.  And that I have such a hard time handling it all – gives me guilt.  The kind of guilt that makes you lose sleep at night.  Because I should just be grateful.  Every single second of the day.  Look, we all know that being a mom is really freakin’ hard.  Probably harder than any of us imagined.  I’m sure many have it just as bad and worse.  So when I look back and read this when Stephen is in his terrible 2’s, I’m sure I will LOLz at how easy he actually was… Maybe?